It's what a girl wants, what a girl needs.

“When you’re in a relationship, you assume your woman is there because she loves you. But you still have to work on her liking you everyday.” — Chris Rock

A few months after my wedding day, I overheard one of my husband’s friends telling him a joke: “Did you know they discovered a food that decreases a woman’s sex drive by 80% or more?” My husband shook his head, and his friend continued, “Yep. Wedding cake.”

Knee slapper. I’m glad I overheard it though. I figured, “If this is pervasive enough for there to be jokes about it, I’m obviously not alone.” So I did what nerds like me do: I sought and devoured books that dealt with the issue at hand. Many were weird, unhelpful, or even laughable; a few were absolutely fantastic. (Check out links to their Amazon pages on the sidebar.) But the sex-drive light bulb clicked on for me as a result of something else entirely.

One afternoon my husband and I were ambling around a bookstore. A thick book with an attractive, colorful cover caught my eye, and I flipped through its glossy pages. Minutes later, I lost my heart to George Carlin. Now, I don’t know what images “George Carlin” evokes in your mind, but until seeing this book, I pictured a rough-looking, sometimes-funny former (?) druggie with a vulgar mouth. All I can say is, I can’t believe that man and the one in this book are the same guy. The George Carlin Letters: The Permanent Courtship of Sally Wade* was written by George’s lifelong partner. After George’s death, Sally compiled all the letters he left her—pretty much one a day—which, in her opinion, kept their love strong for so many years. It makes sense to me: by writing them, not only was George cherishing his beloved, he was also consistently reminding himself of her extraordinariness in comparison to other women…a pretty solid method for cheat-proofing a relationship. In his letters, George sometimes poured out his heart, reassuring Sally in heartfelt language how special she was to him. Most of the letters, though, are just one or two lines, such as this one: “Teach me to be the perfect man. Love, George.” Swoon. Each letter refers to Sally by a silly nickname; “goof” seemed to be a favorite. Over and over, George assured Sally of his love, in spite of (and sometimes because of) the imperfections she saw in herself. He assured her that she was safe. He never took her for granted, instead always acting as if their relationship was still a “courtship.” He reminded her daily that he felt lucky to claim her. He considered her, flaws and all, utterly perfect. And he made sure she knew it.

I’m willing to bet that Mr. Carlin and Ms. Wade had a stellar sex life. That’s not in the book—well, I didn’t see anything about it—but I can’t imagine it any other way. It seems to me that if a woman is with a man she admires and finds attractive, if she knows she is loved and safe, if she is allowed to be herself, even when that means she’s needy or nervous or moody…it would be awfully difficult for her not to want to give herself to him. Best as I can tell from the people I’ve talked to and what I’ve read, women are seduced by things like George’s letters—gestures that let her know she’s deeply known and loved. (The difficult thing, of course, is that it’s different for each woman. We don’t all like flowers.) A man is seduced by, among other things, lingerie. My guess as a fellow woman is that Sally was more than happy to don lingerie for George a few times a week, since he was demonstrating his love so consistently to her and since she clearly enjoyed being with him so much.

Of course, sexuality is complex, and many things affect sex drive. I had myriad physical issues from scar tissue to imbalanced hormones, as well as emotional and even spiritual battles to fight. Some women, I know, contend with none of my issues, but they struggle with some of their own. Men have no control over these aspects of female sexuality, and regardless of how many letters are written or bouquets are bought, their partner’s drive will remain nil until she tackles her own issues. But if both people are doing their part to get or stay sexually healthy, if they find each other attractive, and if they are loving each other in whatever way speaks to them…I’m pretty sure sparks will find their way into the bedroom.


* Wade, Sally. The George Carlin Letters: The Permanent Courtship of Sally Wade. New York: Gallery, 2011.